Folks who may be experiencing grief around the holidays can feel spells of immense loss, as this is a time where family typically gather around to celebrate holidays and be with loved ones.
The holiday season often brings joy, celebration, and connection. But for those grieving, traditions and gatherings can intensify feelings of loss.
“Folks who may be experiencing grief around the holidays can feel spells of immense loss, as this is a time where family typically gather around to celebrate holidays and be with loved ones,” said Ashley Angerer-Blunt, Outpatient Services Director in Columbia, Missouri. “This can emotionally activate someone who may not feel as much sadness in their journey. But due to the holiday, they may be feeling a variety of emotions that may feel suffocating.”
Justin Ufheil, a St. Louis-based therapist, recalled a study from a Hospice Association of America training that tracked stress hormones in grieving individuals. Over time, intensity of grief declined, but still spiked up throughout the years.
“Now they may not spike up to where they are at the start, like the first two years or so, but there's always going to be these little blips," Ufheil said. “It never becomes a flat line, because there's a loss there.”
Allison McKinney, a therapist for high-risk youth in Indianapolis, added: “The memories of how our lives were different or changed since last year can create a surge of grief. We might find ourselves emotionally activated by small things – the commercial of the happy family, smiling and laughing; the song our loved one loved to sing around this time of the year; the person walking through the mall who we thought for a glance was our loved one.”
Therapists across our system support clients through grief year-round. As the holidays approach, they offer guidance for those struggling.
Breakout box – causes of grief/symptoms of grief
Examples of grief include loss of a loved one, ending of a relationship, job loss, loss of a pet, loss by overdose, loss by suicide, loss of independence, anticipatory grief, loss of tradition and change in family dynamic.
Experiences of grief include difficulty making decisions, over-functioning, guilt, intense waves of emotion, yearning, difficulty with sleep and sensory sensitivity.
Grief can stem from any significant loss
Grief is the experience of coping with a significant loss. While the death of a loved is most associated with the grieving process, Ufheil emphasized that any type of significant loss — a career, a romantic partner, a pet, a friendship – can cause us to grieve. These can be examples of disenfranchised grief, he said, which “basically means it’s a type of grief that is not traditionally or socially acceptable.” Feeling dismissed or compared to “greater” losses can deepen isolation.
Ufheil works to validate each client’s lived experience.
“You can grieve the loss of a job; you can grieve a divorce,” Ufheil said, even if you feel you aren’t acting like one of his least-favorite words – normal – in the process. “I try to model with my clients: Don't tell me you're crazy, and don't tell me you're trying to be normal, because I don't know what either of those words mean, and neither do you.”
Grief, he said, is an emotional response to a loss that you recognize and identify as important.
Make self-care a priority
Holidays often revolve around others’ plans — travel, parties, traditions — which can be overwhelming when grieving. “I always tell people to take your time, take care of yourself and know your limits,” Angerer-Blunt said. “Self-care is probably the first step. What are you going to do for you? The next step is also letting people know that they can skip the holiday. It is totally okay to skip the holiday.”
If you do participate, she said, set boundaries and allow yourself to feel.
“Set the clock for 15 minutes – listen to music, cry, yell – and then come back,” Angerer-Blunt said “Be gentle on yourself, grant yourself some grace and permission to feel. Grant yourself the permission to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to not be okay. It is okay to laugh. It is okay to have fun. It is okay to remember. It is okay to story tell. Think about what you would want someone to say to you, if you don't know what to say. We are always better at giving advice than listening to our own.”
Plan ahead
McKinney said anticipating emotionally charged moments can help.
“Anticipating this is important so that we can plan around how to take care of ourselves in response to these experiences,” McKinney said
Ufheil recommends reaching out to someone you trust before gathering to see how or if a subject of grief should be brought up at the event. If the response is dismissive — like, “We don’t want to ruin the holidays” — at least you’ll know how to plan around that event.
“If that’s not going to be productive, who else is there in your life that you trust, that you can have these conversations with,” Ufheil said. “Grief and the negative aspects of it, they are really painful and disruptive. They thrive in loneliness and isolation.”
McKinney also encourages families to talk openly about how traditions might change.
“For some, making the same food, singing the same songs and reading the same stories can bring a sense of comfort,” she said. “However, some grieving people have noted that doing the same things around the holidays feels upsetting, since it appears as though ‘normal’ life has resumed, which can lead to loss and worries of our loved ones being forgotten. Talk to your family and have open conversations about what makes the most sense this holiday season.”
Make space to grieve together
Angerer-Blunt often references Dia de los Muertos, a Mexican tradition honoring lost loved ones.
“They tell their stories; they share their love and pass down their traditions," she said. "What I tell people is that grief is love without a physical place to go, so we have to figure out where to put all that love.”
Honoring a loved one together — saving a seat at the table for them, sharing memories, creating a ritual — can foster healing and connection.
Know that professional help and grief resources are available
If you are experiencing a crisis, know that you can always call or text 988 24/7, 365 to get connected to support and resources. Grief is a subject trained and licensed therapists work with their clients to address no matter the season. Seeking help for such a significant loss is a sign of strength, and there are numerous types of sessions that can help you walk with your grief. Along with reaching out to a provider, there are many groups offering resources to help you through the process, including:
Bereaved parents — afterchildloss.com
Families impacted from loss by overdose — myasd.com
Suicide loss survivors — allianceofhope.org
Loss of an adult child — bandbacktogether.com
Connection with a healing community — bewellcommunity.org
Children grieving a caregiver — childrenandyouthgriefnetwork.com
Dr. David Kessler’s community for grievers — grief.com
LBGTQIA+ grief and finding support — griefincommon.com
National Alliance for Children’s Grief — nacg.org
Those experiencing child loss and infertility — stillstandingmag.com
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors; families of fallen heroes — taps.org
Family loss and collective grief — marisareneelee.co
Support someone grieving
Grief is deeply personal, and talking about it can be difficult. McKinney shared prompts that can help open caring conversations for those grieving a lost loved one:
If you or a loved one is experiencing a mental health or substance-use crisis, please call our toll-free 24-hour telephone line. Our team can help provide immediate assistance.
Southwest Missouri: 1-800-494-7355
Central Missouri: 1-800-395-2132
National Help Line: Call or Text 988